Loud Mountain
by Kaiden
Summary: just an idea I had, enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

Hey, just a quick note to all those people who may or may not have read any of my fics. I am actually pretty funny, but most of my funniness is either spur of the moment or accidental. My first ever humour fic, so please don't flame too harshly. Note to Sparkles, this is a story in which you need to have heard of/played/finished Silent Hill to actually know what the hey is going on. So read on at your own risk.  
  
LOUD MOUNTAIN CHAPTER 1  
  
"Daddy, why does my little note book have 'codwigr diner' written on it?" "Shut up woman and bake me some pie!" It had been three long years since Harry Mason's beloved wife had died. That is probably why he loved young Cheryl Mason (his daughter) so much. "Is my pie ready yet, devil woman?" "No, not yet daddy."  
  
Every year, Harry Mason took Cheryl on a holiday to some exotic location. "As long as it don't cost me anything," he would say lovingly to his daughter, "now where's my pie?" this time, for some inexplicable reason, she said. "Listen daddy, I won't bake you pies, until we go to Loud Mountain, or Alice Springs." At this, Harry said "Alice? Alice? Where the." without having to finish the sentence, Harry consulted the Atlas, finding out that Alice springs was a thriving trade centre smack bang in the middle of Australia, or a run down world war 2 relic twelve kilometres outside Warsaw, Poland. He decided to settle for Loud Mountain, which was a quaint town in Northern Kansas, or an old folks home nestled quietly in the Chicago subway system.  
  
By now, Cheryl was steadily making the pie. A Police motorcycle drove up beside, astride the great machine was no one else but. "Hagrid? What the hey are you doing here?" Hagrid, a great bearded giant, was holding what seemed a bundle blankets in his arms. "I was jus lookin' fer Surrey, took a wrong turn at Trafalgar!" Harry Mason was looking at the giant in surprise; it was one thing to get lost in one country, but to get lost in one country, and find yourself on the other side of the world was incredulous. "Did you take the left turn?" Hagrid nodded, "oh, okay, your supposed to go right, left, right, middle, right, left, left, right, centre, centre, centre, left, right, right, take the upper path, go over the board walk until you see the 68th 'warning do not touch water' sign, jump into the bog, follow the lights, go fifty feet below sea level, open the chest, take the ruby key but leave everything behind, swim into the tunnel with the skull hanging over it, use the key on the 16th door on the left (any other and you get killed), swim into the pocket on your right, grab a breath of air, swim out, plant explosives under the pocket, swim back fifty feet, explode the pocket, come out, feed grass to the rabbit, which leads you to a tree, cut it down, use it as a canoe, ride down the purple river, get out at the statue of bob the builder, jump into the hole, climb through, and your there." They were both silent for a moment, then Hagrid said "Right, got it." And rode off into the night.  
  
"How my pie going woman!" "Daddy, the crust has broken." "Then start again!" Harry grabbed the pie from the back seat and threw it out the window, only to realise that it hit a policewoman straight in the face, who was riding another motorbike. Her face was white from the pie, with ease she wiped it off, but her face was still white! "DAH! Said Harry, "ALBINO!" He floored the gas pedal, but the policewoman managed to keep up. Realising she wasn't that bad looking, he leaned out the window and said. "Those leather pants are skin tight, how do you get into those?" Matrix style, she jumped off the bike, kicked him in the head and landed back on the bike. "OWH! What was that for? I was asking a very feasible question." "Sorry I'm supposed to be the independent authoritical character who may/may not be a complete figment of your imagination, though you may have to kill me later, there is a way you can save me." "Damn, so because of your independent characterisation, I have no chance with you." The policewoman nodded. "Darn, and I'm into uniforms." "Well then, I should tell you that you meet a much more attractive woman who is a nurse, the first thing she does is man handle you, she also may/may not be a figment of your imagination, but you don't have to kill her." Harry smiled "coolies, nurse." "Though she doesn't die, at least to your knowledge, you get to witness blood piss out of every orifice possible." "Damn, there's a catch to everything."  
  
As the motor woman drove past, Harry looked forward to meeting this 'nurse'. Suddenly from out of no-where, a young woman appeared to walk across the road. "DAH!" was all that Harry Mason managed before he heard a loud 'BADUNK BADUNK' underneath his really good suspension. "Oh well." He said, "She will be mourned, by some one." Suddenly a clown walked from nowhere, Harry laughed maniacally as he heard another 'BADUNK BADUNK'. " He won't be mourned at all, hehehe" Suddenly, a small ice cream man walked from nowhere. "DAAAAAAAAH!" Harry screamed while turning the wheel, the Car was sent careening out of control as the ice cream man said. "Can I interest you in a double Decker fudge?" Before the car hit the bottom of the cliff, Harry was already unconscious.  
  
A/N Well, thas it. It's kinda of funny, to get some of the jokes, you would actually have to know me, but I don't Night Stalker would have a prob with that, eh? Hehehe. 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer, I do not own SILENT HILL or any of the stuff written below. Nyah nyah!  
  
chapter 2  
  
Harry Mason regained consciousness in his wrecked jeep. As he did, he realised that Cheryl had left through the rear door. "Damnit! She still hasn't made that pie yet!" With nothing but pie on his mind, he walked out the car and down the street. With the fog seemingly closing in, snow started to fall. "Snow! In summer? I knew Kansas was a messed up state by anyone's standards, but somehow, I don't think we're in Kansas any more Toto." A small bark by his side signified that the dog agreed to the utmost. Suddenly, on the corner of the street, he saw some- THING! As in, some- ONE! It was Cheryl, looking down at the ground, she looked sad somehow. "Cheryl, if you dropped my pie, it's OK. We'll just make another one." Without looking back, she began to walk into the distance. "Hey! Your not getting out of making me pie that easily!" Even though he was running flat out. The small girl of one quarter his size was keeping out of reach as he chased her down an ally way. "Jeeze, she must have been working out."  
  
As he walked through a gate, because there was no other way to go, he stepped on a skinned dog carcass that was lying on the ground. "hmmm, must have been a real clothing shortage." Walking down the back path, it quickly became dark, and Harry could hear sirens in the back. "Man, I'm tripping out here! I guess I shouldn't have taken that white powder from the gas station attendant." Harry pulled out a match and against any reason or saneness, continued down the dark alleyway. The terrifying noise of fallout sirens rose to a crescendo as Harry walked into an opening, there was a body strung on the fence, dripping crimson blood onto the darkened grass. Even though the face was stripped of all flesh, it's features were contorted into a grimace of pure terror. Mutilated by evil, tortured by unspeakable terror, the body was now lifeless from the limitless agony that could be bestowed on a single being. Harry simply looked at it and said "Hmm, what's this?" in a tone that betrayed nothing more than bad voice acting. "Whoa! I'm REALLY starting to trip out now! Whoa! WHOAAA!" Suddenly, from behind him fell a shadow. Frozen in fear Harry heard a wheezing voice. "Hello mister." Harry slowly turned, and screamed. For behind him there stood three children, breathing in heavy way, completely skinned from head to foot. In a whooshing fear, Harry fainted and fell to the ground.  
  
One of the kids took off his mask, "Man, I can barely breath in this thing." The other two kids took off their masks as well. "So much for getting any sweets from him! Oh well, let's go trick or treating down at the school." With that, the three kids left, leaving Harry to lie all alone.  
  
* * *  
  
As suddenly as he had fainted, Harry Mason regained conciousness. As he lay there, on a couch, he realised he was lying in a café. "I- I recognise you." Said a female voice, near the counter. As Harry looked towards there, he saw a young beautiful brunnette, she was dirty and had, what seemed to be, a very warm looking military uniform. "It's Vassili Zaitsev!" cried the young boy who sat next to her, dressed in a thick layer of rags. "Oh, we've heard all about you on Radio Moscow and..." Just as Harry's confusion was coming to a climax, the ambient music suddenly stopped, and the mood of limitless fear that had so far been created merely turned into a boring silence. "Ok, now I'm really starting to trip out!" Then, a Konami representative walked into the room "This is all wrong! Rachel, you're in the wrong movie, so are you interchangeable child extra! Now where the hell is Cybil?" The Konami rep opened a door in the wall! He and the woman named Rachel, and the boy, all walked through as it closed behind them.  
  
Harry walked to the segment in the wall where there was the opening, but now, not a faint whisp of anything peculiar existed on the wall. Without any warning, a loud deep voice made itself heard. "Harry Mason, this is big brother, please sit back on the couch!" filled with fear of the omnipresent voice, he lay back down on the couch and closed his eyes.  
  
* * *  
as suddenly as he had fainted, Harry Mason regained conciousness. As he lay there, on a couch, he realised he was lyng in a café. "Your awake." Harry turned his head to see the same police officerress sitting on a stool. "DAH!!!" He cried with all his might, "albino to the MAX!" Sitting there, he cowered on the couch. "Shut the fuck up mother bitch, slut, ho, crack whore. Because of my authoritical characterisation, I'm taking no shit from you, even though you have to save my arse at least twice, what a fucker eh?" "If your such a headstrong character, and obviously more physically able then me seeing as I couldn't catch up to my seven year old daughter, why do I have to save you?" "hey, guys wrote this, Japanese guys at that, what do you expect? Besides, I'm nothing compared to the groping nurse you meet." "Coolies, nurse."  
  
"Anyway, this brings me to my next point," stated Harry, "have you seen a girl around here? About yay high, short black hair and the face to make a grown man crack a fat?" "..." "Well, she's supposed to be baking me some pies, and she thinks she can get out of it by being in a car crash, well she's got another thing coming!!!" "Uh," said the cop, backing away slowly. "No, I haven't. But I suspect that if you want to find her, you will have to go around the town of Loud Mountain, which is actually pretty SILENT, and resembles more of a HILL, and solve a whole lot of useless and mind boggling puzzles. Especially a tough nut with a piano that only those with an IQ of 150 can solve. The author of this fic was very close but he needed Night Stalker to tell him to tap the SILENT keys, not the ones with sounds, apart from that, you were right on the money Kaiden." With that, she winked at the camera and Kaiden winked back. Harry looked around to see what she was winking at. "Cool well, anyway. I'm Harry Mason, and you are...?" Harry held out his hand, the woman then proceeded to punch him. "I'm too independent to be seen with an obvious womaniser such as you, by the way, I'm Cybil Bennet."  
  
With that, Harry Mason left to see what he could see in the world of LOUD MOUNTAIN!!!!!!!!  
  
A/N well, hope it's funny, it better be, or else!!!!!! 


End file.
